All or Nothing
Currently reading:
Scorched Grace by Margot Douaihy
Zen in the Art of Writing by Ray Bradbury
Devotions: The Selected Poems of Mary Oliver by Mary Oliver [ongoing]
Books finished this week: 1
★★★☆☆
Where this book came from: Split Rock Books, from my self-built writing/homework retreat back in December
Why this book: Honestly? The cover.
Thoughts: When I started reading, I was actually surprised by how much I was enjoying this book. I don’t know very much (or, honestly, care about) Johannes Kepler, let alone his mother. But Katharina was a strong central character with a vivid voice. For a historical fiction piece, that voice was actually very modern (without feeling overdone) and easy to read. The curse of this book is its pacing. For most of the book, Katharina is telling her story to her neighbor Simon, who is taking it all down for posterity. Katharina’s narrative is occasionally intercut with thoughts from Simon, letters from a variety of characters from the cast, and, more often, by court transcripts from folks speaking out against Katharina during her witchcraft trial. Those transcripts were what really turned me off the book——I feel that the majority of them were unnecessary. Katharina or Simon would tell us about an interaction with someone, and then that person would be giving testimony. In some cases, we got two sides of the story, which was interesting. In other cases, we simply got a recounting of what we had already been told, which was not interesting. This book was funny in spots and some moments were actually quite poignant, but, given the amount of skimming I started doing in the back half, especially for a book that’s so short, I can't in good conscience give this more than three stars.
Library updates:
Earlier this week, after feeling like shit for the last week or two (and then pouring it all out in therapy), a couple of lessons and phrases stuck with me. But the one that keeps replaying in my head is “all or nothing.” I used that phrase when describing to my therapist why I felt shame or guilt whenever I changed or canceled a plan, or why I felt like a failure when I skipped part of my routine, or why I’m forever feeling like I don’t measure up to the lives my friends and acquaintances are living.
For me, it’s all or nothing. If I don’t feel up for writing my 200 words one day, then I’ve interrupted the habit, so what’s the fucking point of trying to get back into it? If I don’t see a friend on the day we agreed, I’m a worthless loner who will never be able to build a social life or any meaningful relationships. If I don’t have something to do every single night of the week, I’ll immediately revert to the person I was a few years ago, the person who sat at home, inert, largely uninterested in engaging in the world. I’m either on or off. I’m either doing everything or I might as well abandon all hope.
I know, it doesn’t make sense. As my therapist likes to say, I have plenty of evidence to the contrary for these thoughts. I’ve had to cancel or change plans plenty of times in my life. I’ve bought tickets to a thing and then decided I don’t want to go. I’ve planned to see a movie and then gotten too busy at work and realized I just want to get shit done and then stare at YouTube until I conk out. All valid.
But for most of last week, I was very much stuck in the cycle of feeling shitty for a variety of reasons, skipping doing something due to said shitty feelings, then feeling shittier for not going to or doing the thing. Rinse and repeat. I basically spiraled out when I decided I wasn’t up for Flower School on Saturday morning. It sucks to lose that money, sure, but I was also mostly feeling numb to life at that point. Would taking part in a nice little floral design class have helped? Maybe. But the idea of getting up, getting ready, getting on a train, seeing other people, facing the world——that might’ve knocked me on my ass for even longer.
So I opted for a lot of nothing last week, and that’s totally fine. I’m saying that to you, in case you need a reminder, but I’m also telling myself that, mostly, because I still don’t totally believe it. I think that “all or nothing” mentality is especially insidious in my mental health journey because, even when I’m feeling content or even happy, it’s there, telling me that the good feelings and the exciting moments won’t last, or encouraging me to post this on Instagram, because don’t I deserve to feel superior to everyone who has made me feel like shit (100% without their knowledge, of course) for the last few weeks, months, years? Those thoughts are so difficult to banish, in good times and bad, and the cycle or spiral feels impossible to break out of.
I’m working on it. Another thing I had to talk and think about a lot this week was the idea of a timeline to “feeling better.” Sometimes, I do have an off day or a low weekend, but I feel okay in a day or two. Sometimes, like this time, the negativity, the numbness, lingers. Obviously, that can be a huge issue, and I’m lucky to have help in the form of therapy and medication and friends and family. But I wasn’t a bad person for feeling kind of shitty and wiped out for a week. (Again, telling you that so you know it, and also reminding myself of the fact.) There’s no set timeline for snapping out of depression or an anxiety spiral, or whatever the fuck was going on with me.
Anyhow, I’m thankful to be crawling back from it, and slowly letting go of some of the all-or-nothing thoughts at last. There were some very nice moments this week. Sobbing through therapy on Monday, talking to a friend (hi, Brendan!) on Wednesday, marking one year since I got accepted into grad school on Thursday. I bought some shiny new gold frames from Michaels and hung some new art in my bathroom. I pre-ordered some new books (whoops!!). I celebrated my birthday with friends, books, and lots of wine yesterday, and took myself to the botanical garden today. It was mostly a quiet week and I’m grateful. I had the time to do a lot of journaling and thinking, and though I didn’t write or read very much, I’m feeling like I’m in a better place to get back on track in the coming weeks.
Mostly, I just embraced the weird, then let it slowly slither away. That’s a win.
Scenes from the New York Botanical Garden.
Closing thoughts:
Take your time.
Total books read from the Moratorium Library: 73
I bought books last night from Bibliotheque, which is perhaps my new favorite wine bar/lounge/coffee shop/bookstore. I’m not counting them toward my purchased books count because they were an early birthday present to myself (and also because I can’t hold myself accountable for purchases made while under the influence of orange wine), but I wanted to share the stack!
