I Quit

Currently reading:

Death of an Expert Witness by P. D. James
Extracting the Stone of Madness: Poems 1962–1972 by Alejandra Pizarnik [ongoing]

Books finished this week: 1

★★★☆☆

Where this book came from: Ripped Bodice<3
Why this book: I was so close to walking out of the store with just a few stickers. SO CLOSE. And then this cover caught my eye.
Thoughts: First, I technically finished Craft around 10pm last Sunday night, but I was half asleep and not up for adding it to last week’s missive, so here we are. This is a tough one for me to rate. I assumed from the summary that it would be a little more spooky, but then I read some reviews after adding it to my Goodreads and started to get a little worried. I’d definitely say this skews more lit fic, aside from the sporadic mentions of the Devil and a few stories that have strong magical realism vibes. I enjoyed the prose, even if I did find myself also a little lost in it at times (and sometimes kind of felt dumb for not ~getting it~), and, overall, I enjoyed the structure of this one. Highlights include “Idle Hands” and the framing story, though the COVID recountings and political mentions were surprisingly triggering.

Library updates:

It’s exactly what it says on the tin: I quit my job and Friday was my last day.

It all started when I was talking to my friend Bendy (hi, Bendy!) back in August/September. I said something about wanting to prioritize my writing and how sometimes I wished I could just focus on finishing my MFA and my thesis manuscript.

And she said, “Why don’t you?”

My initial reaction was, “Of course I can’t do that very reckless and bad thing!! One should never leave one’s job voluntarily without another job lined up!!”

But then I started to think about it. And journal about it. And the more I thought about it, and then started testing the waters by talking to friends about it, the more real it seemed. The more possible. The more correct. I talked about it in therapy. I started thinking about things like saving money to pay bills and feed my cat, and how to acquire health insurance, and how to structure my days without a 9-5. Once I had plans, I leapt for the highest hurdle: my mother’s approval. And when she said she was behind me 1000 percent, I knew it was time.

It’s actually amazing how quickly the guilt and fear of doing something that, on the surface, sounds incredibly self-indulgent and irresponsible slipped away. This is something I’ve never let myself do before——take a break, focus on what really moves me and matters deeply to me——and one day, it just felt like everything had fallen into place and I knew what I was doing was right.

So, what does the future hold? Well, the timing especially felt right, both with the end of the year approaching and my thesis semester beginning in January. My plan is to finish the full rough draft of my manuscript by the end of the year——which suddenly . . . feels very doable??——and then to focus on revisions throughout the spring, both in order to graduate from my program and to feel ready by summer or fall next year to start querying literary agents. I’m hoping to pick up freelance work to get by, so I don’t have to go through all the money I saved up, and then start applying to full-time jobs again in a few months. Hopefully, my brand-new, sparkly master’s degree will help with that. I still love editing and working with authors, and I would love to return to the fiction world.

It’s important to follow your dreams, but there are plenty of things that make that infinitely easier to do for some than others. I want to acknowledge here the incredible privilege I know has allowed me to make this jump. I’m a cisgender, college-educated white woman who was able to save up that money and who has a strong support system of family and friends, both near and far. I am so glad that the stars aligned——my situation, my community, my mental health——to allow this to happen.

I don’t know what the world will look like in January, but I do know that I will be proud of myself for putting in the work and doing this for myself.

Closing thoughts:

Take care of yourself<3

Total books read from the Moratorium Library: 117

(Total books added to the Moratorium Library: 224)

Late-breaking addition: I went to see the Swept Away matinee today (loved it) and had time to kill before getting to the theater. So I stopped to see the tree and then popped into McNally Jackson with every intention of just browsing for a bit without purchasing.