Impressive
Currently reading:
’Salem’s Lot by Stephen King
The Underground Railroad by Colson Whitehead
Books finished this week: 0
Library updates:
I made a lot of good decisions from my bed this week: ordered a dozen fall-themed Krispy Kreme donuts; ordered my favorite bagel sandwich and home fries for breakfast this (Sunday) morning; bought a couple of cheap(ish) theater tickets for December; decided to pull the trigger and sign myself up for a workshop at Flower School (Flower School!!) after finding out it existed while researching something else for work. I’m trying to be slightly more fiscally responsible, but I also want to fill my life with the things that make me happy, especially if I can purchase or schedule those things from my warm bed on a chilly November morning.
At my doctor’s suggestion, I had a consultation with a nutritionist about two weeks ago, with my first follow-up appointment scheduled for tomorrow. I don’t want to lose weight and I’m not interested in being told if my choice of foods is “healthy” or “good.” Mostly, I’ve just been getting so busy, stressed out, and overwhelmed that I focus on work and school and then suddenly realize it’s three o’clock in the afternoon and I haven’t ingested anything but coffee and my daily Lexapro (shout-out to her, the real MVP). So we worked out a routine that I’ve been (mostly) sticking to and picked out some snack ideas that would actually give me the energy I need to finish my day and get to do things that make me happy after work without feeling like a zombie.
I’ve noticed a nice change in just the last two weeks. I’m sure it’s a combination of eating more consistently, sleeping a bit more (and on more of a schedule, instead of continually losing hours of precious time to staring blankly at YouTube and phone games), and just being more aware of when and what I’m eating and how I’m resting and the activities with which I’m choosing to fill my time. Probably also the B12 vitamins my doctor told me to take. Whatever it is, I’m enjoying these new routines and outlooks. I especially appreciate that they feel doable in the long-term.
I think, in the past, I’ve tried a lot of fast fixes, hoping to snap my fingers and turn things around. Weight Watchers. Working out five days a week, for likely too long and too hard. Hoping that a change of scenery or a new hobby would instantly turn things around. I’ve finally realized that feeling good, for me, means work——not necessarily hard work, but consistent work. It means creating habits and sticking to them, not turning everything on its head one day and expecting myself to keep up for a week, let alone forever. That’s not how my brain or my body work. I need medication. I need therapy. I need sustainable eating patterns. I need time to myself. I need to take breaks to meditate or journal or nap. Fall has always been a season of learning for me, and I’m glad to be learning these things this year.
I had therapy on Thursday night and talked about a lot of things, as usual, but one moment in particular sticks out. A few weeks ago, after my emotionally disastrous annual physical, I spoke to my parents and explained how tough that week had been for me, but that I was making positive changes to make myself feel better. I recounted the conversation to my therapist this week, and told her that I told my mom something like, “I just feel like a failure if I take a break or let something slip or don’t do my best. I feel like I’m not doing enough.”
My mom, bless her, told me I absolutely was doing enough, and my therapist echoed that. I probably made a face, because no matter how content I feel, there’s always part of my brain telling me that there’s something else I can and should be doing, or some other goal waiting in the wings that I’m neglecting, and if I don’t grab for it right now, I’m going to lose it. I’m also just very bad at taking advice and compliments. So my therapist went on to list all the things I’m doing and all the things I’ve accomplished and all the goals I have and all the things I want to learn. “It’s all impressive,” she said. “You’re impressive.”
I managed to mutter thank you, and then we made our next appointment and wished each other a happy Thanksgiving.
Because my immediate thought was, as expected, No, I’m not. And I’m not sharing what was said or my reaction to it to dig for compliments. I just want to show that, again, I’m working on it. I’m learning. I sat with her words for a little bit and let them hang out in my brain while I went about the rest of my evening. “Impressive” feels like a big word, but you know what? I am impressed with myself, for a bunch of reasons. Some of the big reasons for me are because I no longer feeling anxious and awkward (most of the time) when meeting delivery people or when riding in silence in Lyfts. But mostly for taking care of myself and actively working to learn and grow in this season.
Closing thoughts:
You’re impressive.
