Wants & Needs
Currently reading:
How to Do Nothing by Jenny Odell
Taking my time with this one——notes in the margins, dog-eared pages, and all!
Books finished this week: 0
Library updates:
Ruminating on time this week, as in scheduling. Life has been busy (and sometimes fraught) this month, and if I could choose not to feel constantly under pressure, obviously that would be my preference. But I do also enjoy being busy. I think I’m learning to thrive on it.
I’ve spent most of my life not being the busy type. I really thrived on sloth, especially in high school. There were a lot of nights where I just sprawled on my bed, lonesome and melancholy, lamenting my small social circle, my lack of drive, the apparent ugliness of both physical appearance and personality that kept away romantic suitors and potential friends alike.
I was A Writer in high school. Of course I was dramatic.
Before this year, I was never really a joiner-inner, either. I definitely could have joined more clubs and organizations in college, maybe gotten a job. I worked summers through high school but didn’t do much else during the school year. I played softball as a kid just long enough to acquire the nickname Big Mac and then insist I wanted nothing to do with any kind of physical activity ever again.
Not to sound like a cliche, but the pandemic has helped put some things into perspective for me. (That, and therapy, probably.) I felt like I’d never be one of those people losing their minds in solitude, climbing the walls because they couldn’t see family or friends. I’m an only child; I’m an introvert; I’m not a people person. I have a small social circle and an even smaller family. I don’t need people.
But, oh, how I need people, friends. When the world began to open up again, I didn’t fly to Cabo or long to go out clubbing all night. I just wanted to be around people again. I made plans with friends and found groups that excited me. I started making plans for the future. I read more and got back into my writing projects and learned new hobbies and started saying yes. Not to everything, but enough. I filled my calendar. I got a new job and shifted back to working East Coast office hours after nearly two years on West Coast time. Work was manageable. But I got busy.
(Not like that, hush.)
When I have nothing on the docket, I’m more likely to lounge. If there aren’t pressing deadlines or forthcoming events, I can easily lose myself to a YouTube spiral. When I have too much time, I do nothing with that time that will help me or make me happy.
When I’m busy, I have limited time to do the things I love, so I prioritize them. If Wednesday night writing group is the only time I’ll have to write that week, then I’d better get there. If I have a random Monday night free, I can sit and finish a book or see if a friend is free to catch up. Yes, I might still spend a night watching TV (or, more likely, going to bed early). But I’ll feel better rested for it. I’ll be pleased with my choice. When I next feel inspired, if I don’t have time in that moment, I’ll make sure I make time later. I find the gaps on my calendar and I want to fill them with things that will make me happy. When I’m busy, I have less time, but it feels like more, because I use it wisely.
I’m thinking about grad school, and was talking to my therapist about it early last week. She asked me what I needed to do to apply, and how I felt about handling classes and work and everything else in my life. I’m someone who loves a to-do list and an overflowing calendar, so I think I’ll do well. Bringing my new perspective on busy-ness will help, too, if and when the time comes. I know I’ll make time for school because I’ve learned to make time for what matters. In the last year, I’ve learned what matters——full stop. I’ll schedule my time and I’ll make therapy appointments and I’ll make sure I stay grounded. I’ll do it.
Closing thoughts:
Take your time.
