Basically Just a Journal Entry
Currently reading:
I’m going to stop writing it since it hasn’t changed in a month.
Books finished this week: 0
Library updates:
First of all, MERRY CHRISTMAS! (If you celebrate.) I hope you’re having just the kind of day you want to be having, and I hope it’s lovely.
Second, time to complain! (That’s what you come here for.) Remember when I said I wasn’t going to have work to do over the break and was planning to do nothing but enjoy the holidays and read?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
My therapist always says to look for evidence. Anxiety tells you lies; focusing on the evidence (past experiences, what was actually said rather than reading tone or motive into the words, etc.) helps ground you in reality and realize that you don’t need to be worrying about a particular thing. Well, I know anxiety rules my brain because for all the many times I say something nice is going to happen and I’m lucky enough to actually have nice things happen, there is one time when I say something nice is going to happen and everything absolutely falls apart, and I can only focus on that one bad time.
I’m being a little dramatic. It’s the holidays and I’m stressed and I’m allowed to be. But things just got . . . intense this past week with work and I’m feeling a touch burned out.
In reality, I know I might want to put in a few hours of work over a day or two, which I was probably going to end up doing anyway. And I know that isn’t going to ruin my entire week off. I know I’m going to prioritize family and friends (and eggnog and reading and Christmas lights and watercolor painting and all kinds of other lovely things) because those are the things that really matter in life. It just all feels like a bit much right now.
So if things are feeling a bit much for you, too, first, I’m so sorry to hear that. Second, I hope you can find time to do something you truly love or to talk to someone you care about. I recommend a walk on a chilly winter afternoon or badly knitting a scarf or hat. Watch a show everyone has been telling you to watch or go see a movie. The things that are a bit much right now will still be there (unfortunately), but you’ll feel much better prepared to tackle them after you take the time to recharge. You can’t fill a glass if you’re already empty, etc.
Taking time to do something else also might help you prioritize. That has certainly saved me this week. When I started to get panicky about deadlines or began to worry about my own skills or work ethic, I took a step back and wrote a list of the things that I truly cared about. That list helped me realize that work is just one aspect of my life; it isn’t everything. There is so much more to enjoy and explore, and I’m doing my best to prioritize those things over worry and anxiety.
Also, if you need help or extra time, if your “bit much” is work-related, ask. That is very something I’m still working on. But I did step up over last weekend when I was presented with a freelance project due directly after New Year’s and ask that that not be the case, please and thanks, and was thankfully given an extension that allows me to actually rest during the holidays and then complete the work later.
Of course, my initial urge had been to just suck it up and get the work done, because that’s always been my initial urge. I was tasked with it, I will do it. I will not let anyone down. I will not fail.
But fuck it. Asking for assistance does not make me——make you——make anyone——a failure. You have to do what’s right for you. If someone thinks you’re whining or weak, then fuck them, too. (My anxiety is screaming at me right now about how many people will think I’m whining right now, but fuck that.)
Sorry to keep using my blog as a journal, but I felt like typing, I need content, and I stILL HAVEN’T FINISHED A GODDAMN BOOK.
I’m fine. I’m calm. I have therapy on Tuesday.
If you’ve made it this far, how about a little holiday cheer? I have a nearly seven-hour-long Christmas playlist on Spotify for you to enjoy, and here are my top ten Christmas songs, for easy reference:
“Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24” by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, the most metal holiday song to ever exist
“(Everybody’s Waitin’ For) The Man With The Bag” by Kay Starr
“Christmas Wrapping” by The Waitresses
“Silent Night” by Stevie Nicks
“I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” by Gayla Peevey
“Christmas Vacation” by Mavis Staples (which is not on Spotify?? Here’s a YouTube link.)
“Marshmallow World” by Dean Martin
“Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” by Darlene Love
“The Bells of St. Mary” by Bob B. Soxx & The Blue Jeans (incredible group name)
“Merry Christmas Baby” by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
Honorable mention to “Father Christmas” by the Kinks, and dishonorable mention to the stupid Christmas shoes song and its choir of hell-children. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, god bless you.)
Closing thoughts:
Anxiety is real, but the thoughts and worries and doubts it gives you are not. Good luck fighting it——and know that I’m right beside you.
(Also Merry Christmas lol.)
