Helpless
Currently reading:
Haven’t decided yet!
Books finished this week: 1
★★★☆☆
Where this book came from: I preordered it in hardcover because a murder mystery set in the comics world in 1970s New York written by Alex Segura sounded entirely perfect. And then somehow I ended up on a mailing list and got an ARC! Which I proceeded to not read for like a year lol whoops sorry.
Why this book: See above.
Thoughts: I hate to pull an “I wanted to love this,” but . . . I wanted to love this, with every fiber of my being, and I just didn’t. I didn’t hate it by any means—it was just fine. My major complaint is it felt like everything was just happening to Carmen, the protagonist. Opportunities, both good and bad, plopped into her lap at every turn. It sounded like she would be investigating the death of a friend and colleague while also fighting for her rightful place in the comics industry. Instead, she really only does a bit of detective work and mostly seems to run into the right people or information at just the right time. The comics references sometimes helped set the scene, but were more often a bit out of place and tedious. No spoilers, but the ending also felt rushed to me and, frankly, a bit silly. It felt like a slow-moving book until the last thirty pages. Overall, I didn’t hate this book, or even dislike it; a lot of people seem to like it more than I did, and I hope you do, too, reader, if you check it out. But I didn’t love it like I wanted to, despite all the stars seemingly having aligned.
Library updates:
As I write this, I have “Helpless” from Hamilton stuck in my head. I can’t explain it.
I finished one journal this week and started another one. The old one was from Barnes & Noble, and only lasted me about 15 months. A lot to say over the last year, I guess——who knew? The two journals before that lasted at least two or three years each. I used them mostly to keep an account of what I was doing and what I was watching, which are both admirable pursuits. But while I don’t really plan to journal every day, I usually end up having some kind of thought that needs to be processed or preserved. I admire people who can get up and use journaling as a kind of wake-up meditation or goal-setting method every morning, or people who sit down to recount their days every evening. I’ve realized that the number one thing I crave is flexibility. I hate forcing myself to stick to a routine, because my brain likes to tell me I’m a failure if I skip even one journaling session, dance class, or social event. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it’s okay——I’ll catch up.
But anyhow, the new journal. First of all, I’m in love. It’s a Moleskin, XL, a sort of periwinkle blue. I bought it months ago, in preparation for the end of my then-current journal, and because Moleskin was having a sale. (This notebook in particular was not on sale, but she’s worth it.) I’ve been staring at it since it arrived, just sitting beside my desk, waiting for me to finish filling the other journal. I didn’t rush to finish Other Journal—in fact, I turned a page while writing my final entry and realized I had hit the end, and it genuinely surprised me.
It used to feel a little more momentous to finish one journal and start the next. I gave it a bit more gravitas, probably because my journaling was so sparse. It really felt like the end of an era. Now, it’s just something I do. No need to memorialize, because it’s not the end of the story, just a pause. I tried to untangle some threads about life goals and what I wanted last time, and I don’t think I really came to any conclusions and it really just gave me more anxiety. So, this time, I just dove back into writing.
I know I’ve written about journals and journaling before, so I won’t bore you with my thoughts on all of that again. But I will say I’m trying something a little new this time around. Yes, writing down the day’s events can be good. It’s nice to have a record. It’s also good to have a place to vent, rant, and process. But I’m trying to keep things a bit . . . lighter in the new notebook. Not toxically positive; I’ll never censor myself like that. I’ll write out what I’m feeling when I need to work through it, and I see that as something lighter. I’m not just ranting on the page while I angry-cry and my handwriting becomes atrocious. I’m bringing good intentions to it; I’m examining cause and effect, how I felt versus what happened in reality. Trying to be more objective and constructive. I also try to write down how I feel after therapy, or if my therapist said anything especially helpful, so I don’t forget. Going forward, I want to use journaling as both a record and as a way to better myself.
So y’all will probably get stuck with all the nonsense over here at the Moratorium Library from here on out. Sorry.
Oh, for anyone curious, I also started rewatching What We Do in the Shadows from the beginning, so I could catch up on the latest season. Though I’ve accepted that I’m always going to be behind on reading books and I’ve gotten a bit better about movies and Broadway shows, I’m really, really terrible about keeping up with TV, for some reason. It’s sort of nice to fall into a watching phase, especially with something fun and funny. Jump on WWDITS, if you haven’t. What a wonderful, irreverent show.
Closing thoughts:
Buy the new notebook. And a nice pen, while you’re at it.
