Natural Guilt
Currently reading:
A Philosophy of Walking by Frédéric Gros
The Spy and I by Tiana Smith
Mystery Lights by Lena Valencia
The Poetry of Emily Dickinson by Emily Dickinson [ongoing]
Books finished this week: 3
★★★★☆
Where this book came from: I have no idea, though I can only assume it was Barnes & Noble.
Why this book: The “read all the Dalgliesh books in release order OR ELSE” readathon continues!
Thoughts: I remembered this one a bit——or, at least, I remembered the title, because the poem James used as the book’s epigraph has stuck in my head since I first read it however many years ago (“Some can gaze and not be sick, but I could never learn the trick . . . “). This is also one of the books the recent Dalgliesh TV series used as a basis for a few episodes in the first season. I hated the changes they made there, and it was wonderful to read the source material——especially because my favorite Dalgliesh subordinate is introduced in this one. Long live Kate Miskin!! Docked one star because this one was long, and it felt that way at times.
★★★★☆
Where this book came from: Preordered from Kew & Willow<3 (My copy is also signed, and apparently Hendrix added different stamps for each book. I got——you guessed it——a cat.)
Why this book: I will read anything Grady Hendrix publishes.
Thoughts: Not to be morbid, I was actually reading a Washington Post interview with him mere moments before the vet told me they had to put my cat to sleep. So, uh, yikes! But this book basically helped me survive a good chunk of the last two weeks (more on that below). In my opinion, Hendrix thrives when writing about historical settings. He builds even mundane worlds with such specificity of detail, and there were parts of this book I loved living in. Obviously, because it’s a Hendrix book, there were also plenty of parts I hated having to read——he does horror so well. I thought this might be a five-star read for probably the first quarter of the book, but as I continued reading, I felt that some scenes could’ve been condensed, to add impact to the punch of horror he was aiming to deliver (if you’ll pardon the pun). Some scenes and conversations also began to feel repetitive. There were so many enormous decisions for these girls to make, so obviously they had a lot to grapple with. But we don’t necessarily need to see every conversation, because it begins to feel like they’re just talking in circles. Also, not nearly enough witchcraft or spookiness throughout, in my opinion. Still, a solid read that I devoured in just a few days.
★★★★☆
Where this book came from: McNally Jackson at the Seaport, while Bendy was visiting around New Year’s!
Why this book: I read and enjoyed Maeve Fly, the author’s first book, last year, and her second book sounded so bonkers (in a wonderful way).
Thoughts: I loved the idea, I loved the action scenes, I loved following Sophie as the main character and seeing the fucked-up world of the book through her eyes. I did feel that some scenes were too slow or repetitive, in that they covered similar information over and over, and the climax (pun very much intended) was rushed, in my opinion. But overall, this was a wild ride and I devoured it in just two or three days. In case you’re thinking of reading it, please note trigger warnings for sexual assault and religious trauma, as well as a pretty brutal animal death.
Library updates:
I went into Manhattan this past Tuesday night and, while walking around in the frigid weather, weaving around people on their way home from work, I realized that nothing felt different. Temperatures drop, fascists come into power, cats die. And the world keeps spinning.
Two weeks ago, on the Tuesday after Penny passed away, I finished reading P. D. James’ A Taste for Death. I didn’t have the energy to do much on Sunday evening or all day Monday except cry, but I had a little bit of brain space to devote to reading. I missed reading. It’s my main hobby, makes up probably the largest part of my identity, and, above all, it has helped me through plenty of dark times. And, as usually happens, the book I was reading offered up a bit of comfort.
Near the end of A Taste for Death, Commander Adam Dalgliesh, the series lead, is speaking to another character who has lost someone they love. No specifics, because I don’t want to spoil the seventh book in a very old series, in case anyone cares to discover the majesty of P. D. James for themselves. But here’s the part of the quote that hit me hardest:
“You’re bound to feel partly responsible. We all do when we lose someone we love. It’s a natural guilt, but it isn’t rational. You did what you thought was right at the time. We can’t any of us do more.”
Granted, Dalgliesh was comforting someone whose loved one had just been shot by a maniac, and I am mourning my beloved pet cat. But it still resonated. Joking aside, I’ve been struggling with a lot of feelings of guilt and confusion. What if it wasn’t actually Penny’s time to go? Should I have taken her for yet another opinion? Was there a chance of prolonging her life in a way that would preserve her quality of life, or would dragging her to a new vet to try a new treatment be a selfish act, only for myself? Thanks to two weeks of breathing room, many conversations with my parents and friends, and a tough therapy session, I know the answer to all of those questions is: “I have no fucking idea.” I did the best I could and made the best decisions I could with the information I had. I have missed Moneypenny every day since, but I have to keep telling myself that I loved her——I love her——and I did all I could.
Anyhow, no more about grief.
Okay, a little more about grief, I’m sorry. But more in the context of books. Because if Dalgliesh told me exactly what I needed to hear, when I needed to hear it, the other books I’ve read and am reading now have helped in their own ways too. For one, I couldn’t have asked for Grady Hendrix to release a new novel at a better time. The Spy and I is a silly little romance that——spoiler alert for a future missive——I’m not sure I’ll be able to rate more than three stars, but helped cleanse my brain when I needed it most. And I started reading Mystery Lights because the Finch app is doing a New Year’s journey, with new goals added every day of January, and one of the goals the week after Penny died was to read a short story. I’ve stuck to it, reading one story from the collection whenever I remember, and I think that’s how I’ll read future collections and anthologies. You get different things from different books, and I think that’s really magical.
Speaking of Grady Hendrix, and to end this missive on a slightly more upbeat note, I remembered that I’d ranked his novels after finishing How to Sell a Haunted House last year (in a post that——just my luck——heavily features Moneypenny). So, in honor of Wayward Girls, my updated ranking of Grady Hendrix novels:
My Best Friend’s Exorcism
The Southern Book Club’s Guide to Slaying Vampires
Witchcraft for Wayward Girls
How to Sell a Haunted House
The Final Girl Support Group (yes, I bumped this one down a slot——it was originally a touch higher mostly for the concept and the fun slasher movie interstitials. But the more I think about it, the more frustrated I get with this book and the more I appreciate Haunted House)
Horrorstör
We Sold Our Souls (my hatred still burns bright for this one)
Closing thoughts:
Read in happiness, in hard times, through grief——you’ll find what you need.
Total books read from the Moratorium Library: 124
(Total books added to the Moratorium Library: 245)
What can I say, I had time to kill and Greenlight was right there.
And one more update as of 7pm on Sunday evening: I pulled the Angela Carter card from the Literary Witches deck a few days ago, so when I saw her on the shelf during a stop at Powerhouse on 8th, I had to buy the book.
