Rest & “Relaxation”
Currently reading:
Matrix by Lauren Groff
Books finished this week: 1
★★★☆☆
Where this book came from: I spotted it in a gift shop in Newport, Rhode Island.
Why this book: Patty Hearst. That’s basically it.
Thoughts: So, I know authors have very little say over how their books are presented, so I’m not really docking any stars for this. But the publisher very much knew what they were doing by highlighting recognizable names like Daisy Fellowes and dropping allusions to private jets and Chanel in the flap copy, when at least a third of the book focuses on heiresses from before the nineteenth century. The stories were interesting (and, in the case of many of those early tales, pretty terrible for the heiresses), but the author tended to jump around from subject to subject in a way that was confusing for someone not incredibly well-versed in the world of heiresses. There was a lot of information crammed in here, but almost too much. Focusing on a few key women may have given readers a better overview of the heiress phenomenon. The author seemed keen to explain away a lot of problematic behavior from these women, too, painting them as either heroines or tragic figures without really delving more into the nuances or acknowledging that bad things could happen to them and they could still be bad people. Finally, and forgive my heiress ignorance, but why the author’s obsession throughout with Barbara Hutton??
Library updates:
So I wrote last week about “rest.” I was writing and thinking and talking about that concept a lot that week. I actually started to feel kind of sick on that Saturday night, and then skipped my usual Sunday plans to rest up and take care of myself. I found it ironic that after feeling so guilty about taking a moment to rest, my body said, “Bitch, you are going to rest whether you like it or not.”
Well, my body certainly wants me to keep resting. I felt a little congested and started to feel a sore throat coming on last Saturday, and I figured it was just allergies morphing into a cold. But then my symptoms continued to change and fluctuate from there——loss of taste and smell for a few hours one day, a one-day earache, sinus pain, a sore throat that came and went, total head congestion. I was convinced, at separate times, that I had COVID, tonsillitis, sinusitis, the flu, and/or strep throat. But I never had a fever and all my rapid COVID tests at home came back negative. And if it isn’t COVID in this day and age, it must just be a silly little cold, right?
Thursday was my mom’s birthday, and we had both taken the day off work to hang out together and celebrate. I woke up feeling what I can only call “acceptable”——nowhere near 100%, but since I was able to get up on time and make myself presentable (and since I was reasonably sure it wasn’t COVID), I figured I would chug some Emergen-C and Advil and push through. We had a really nice day together, and I’m so glad I got to spend the day with her! But after my parents and I went to dinner, I declined rapidly. My sinuses started to ache and my ear suddenly hurt, both of which were new symptoms, and I felt like I could barely stay awake. I felt terrible rushing my mom through her cake, but also so thankful to her for being okay doing that and to my dad for driving me to an earlier train so I could get home at a reasonable time and then promptly pass out.
I took a sick day Friday, but, of course, even that was rife with strife. I think it’s abundantly clear by now that my particular brand of anxiety means that I feel incredibly guilty when I can’t fulfill what I see as my duties, and that my mental health issues are always accompanied by a healthy side helping of fear of failure. My original plan had been to try to muscle through the first few hours of the morning to catch up on Thursday emails and get through at least part of a big project that’s looming. But I was awoken at six in the morning by my congestion and my entire head and body just aching, and I had to admit, as I laid there, so fucking exhausted and yet unable to fall asleep again, that maybe I just had to call it. I took the day and went to urgent care, where I was told all of this was probably caused by allergies and that I should come back if I felt worse in coming days (sigh).
Thankfully (?), I woke up with new symptoms, now in one of my eyes, on Saturday and I was able to get an appointment at my usual doctor’s office. Absolutely no offense to urgent care practitioners, but I just really didn’t feel like the person I saw Friday had helped at all. The doctor yesterday was a lot more thorough, and even though I still don’t have a diagnosis, I did get antibiotics (woo!), so I now have high hopes for recovery.
On Friday, I made the executive decision to cancel or reschedule a lot of plans this weekend, which genuinely hurts my brain and soul as much as this mystery illness is hurting my head. I finally have a schedule that makes me happy, and now this sickness comes along and totally blows it up. I know I need to rest, Universe; trust me, I fucking get it. You can stop this now.
I can’t help but feel that part of this has been caused by being busy and not taking care of myself, but part of it also has to be Mercury in retrograde . . . right? It can’t all be my fault.
Closing thoughts:
Take care of yourself. That’s all I’ve got. Ignore whatever voice is telling you that you’re a failure for taking time off or canceling plans or rescheduling meetings and do what you have to do. Take an evening nap. Go to the doctor. Turn off your brain for a second and take stock of what your body is trying to tell you. The sooner you do, the sooner you’ll feel better and be able to get back to your life.
